So......what do you do when life intervenes with your plans and goals? I had recommitted to going to ballet class at least twice a week for six months last year. Did great for a couple of months and actually started to feel the reconnection and the spark of long dormant muscles, skills, feelings, and joie de vie.
Then came the hip tweak. Then came the real estate extravaganza (which is how I fund my life.) Then came the wedding in August and divorce paperwork started less than 12 months later.
Oops......I forgot to go to ballet class.
How many times in life do we get derailed and just decide "That didn't work" or "I can't do it" or "well I tried and I couldn't". I just don't want to live that way whenever I am able to avoid it. SO - I am back in class. Head held high (if not wobbly, off center, and falling out of releve repeatedly). No explanations about being missing in action for several months. No reasons why it happened. Just showed back up and grabbed the barre so to speak.
It was a little tough as this is the same dance studio where Mr. Soon to Be Ex and I took dance classes to get ready for our first dance. Memories hang in the room.
On the bright side - I have lost 22 pounds since the past time I was in class. I had hoped that would have made me far more flexible (no such luck yet!)
I guess all I want to say is - don't give up on your dreams. Don't give up on what is important to you, even if others do not think it is important. If you miss a goal or a deadline, don't sweat it - set a new one.
Life will keep jete-ing along whether we do or not.
Friday, November 1, 2013
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Guess what? Ballet is back on the schedule!!
Okay....so some of you know that I returned to ballet after several decades (and about 40 pounds gained). It was really fun and challenging at the barre - scary and nerve wracking on the floor. After about a month and a half of going to class fairly regularly, and feeling like I was starting to get the feeling back of how to move and stand and be - two things happened:
1. My brand new marriage fell into utter chaos and anxiety.
2. I went for it too hard and tweaked my left hip. :-(
So - why am I typing so excitedly this morning? Because both things are now fixed and/or better! My husband and I are separated, my hip feels better than before, AND I have lost 21 pounds since I stopped going to class!
I will be going back at least twice a week starting next week, leaner in body and clearer in mind. Back to the barre.......the second go around!
Instead of feeling like a failure - I am excited that I am getting up and trying again.
1. My brand new marriage fell into utter chaos and anxiety.
2. I went for it too hard and tweaked my left hip. :-(
So - why am I typing so excitedly this morning? Because both things are now fixed and/or better! My husband and I are separated, my hip feels better than before, AND I have lost 21 pounds since I stopped going to class!
I will be going back at least twice a week starting next week, leaner in body and clearer in mind. Back to the barre.......the second go around!
Instead of feeling like a failure - I am excited that I am getting up and trying again.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Ebb and flow of relearning ballet....staying patient
In my quest to regain some ability in ballet, I knew that there would be challenges. Challenges in regards to time. Challenges in lost flexibility. Challenges due to the extra weight I am currently carrying. (Good news ~ 4.5 hours of intense dance class per week has already started to make the weight drop!) Challenges of being embarrassed in front of people that may not know my life, and may think that I am really just that bad!
I told myself to be patient when I started. Told myself that I should look for a major breakthrough by Christmas. Told myself that I need to anticipate that I will be frustrated, that I will get annoyed with myself, that I will progress slowly. I told myself to be patient.......guess what I am not good at??
Oh yes - you are right about the jetes en tournant and pirouettes, I am not very good at those either. However, I was referring to the issue that I am not good at being patient! I do see a little progress each class. I hit a barre exercise more concisely. I lift my leg a little higher. My face gets ever closer to my knee. I just had a day today where I wanted it all, and I wanted it now.
Most classes, I leave on a cloud and an endorphin high. Today, I felt frustrated and tired due to the slowness I perceive. My teacher said good job on the barre, and gave me some arm pointers. So this probably is mainly my perception and not necessarily the view of others. I know in my core I cannot afford to allow these thoughts to creep in and steal away my joy. Who knows how many more days we have to dance on this earth?
Yesterday, a good friend passed away after a many years long struggle and fight with breast cancer. She has two daughters the same ages as my two sons. My two sons lost their father to cancer in December 2010. Not to be morose, but we have to grab life while it is in front of us.....within our reach.....within our sights.
During the barre, I gave it my all. Still fell short. I am not quick enough, not strong enough, cannot extend my leg up to the sky. But I gave it my all. I pulled my knees up, pulled all my bones and body up while pushing into the ground and searching for my inner force. It hurt my brain, frankly. I ended up sitting out during most of the floor section of class. I stretched on the sidelines, and watched the other dancers. Usually I am right there in the mix of it all. Today, my mind just went on overdrive, and I could not follow the routine, or absorb the instruction.
So does this make me conflicted? I want to go for it.....and I was on the sidelines for part of the class. Argh.
 |
| First position is coming along. |
I told myself to be patient when I started. Told myself that I should look for a major breakthrough by Christmas. Told myself that I need to anticipate that I will be frustrated, that I will get annoyed with myself, that I will progress slowly. I told myself to be patient.......guess what I am not good at??
Oh yes - you are right about the jetes en tournant and pirouettes, I am not very good at those either. However, I was referring to the issue that I am not good at being patient! I do see a little progress each class. I hit a barre exercise more concisely. I lift my leg a little higher. My face gets ever closer to my knee. I just had a day today where I wanted it all, and I wanted it now.
Most classes, I leave on a cloud and an endorphin high. Today, I felt frustrated and tired due to the slowness I perceive. My teacher said good job on the barre, and gave me some arm pointers. So this probably is mainly my perception and not necessarily the view of others. I know in my core I cannot afford to allow these thoughts to creep in and steal away my joy. Who knows how many more days we have to dance on this earth?
Yesterday, a good friend passed away after a many years long struggle and fight with breast cancer. She has two daughters the same ages as my two sons. My two sons lost their father to cancer in December 2010. Not to be morose, but we have to grab life while it is in front of us.....within our reach.....within our sights.
 |
| This fifth will do for now! I need to use it to get where I want to go! |
During the barre, I gave it my all. Still fell short. I am not quick enough, not strong enough, cannot extend my leg up to the sky. But I gave it my all. I pulled my knees up, pulled all my bones and body up while pushing into the ground and searching for my inner force. It hurt my brain, frankly. I ended up sitting out during most of the floor section of class. I stretched on the sidelines, and watched the other dancers. Usually I am right there in the mix of it all. Today, my mind just went on overdrive, and I could not follow the routine, or absorb the instruction.
So does this make me conflicted? I want to go for it.....and I was on the sidelines for part of the class. Argh.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Lazy Ballerina. I didn't go to class today.
I did not have a valid reason or even a lame excuse. I did not stay out partying last night, or wake up with a headache, or oversleep. Nothing. Just did not go. (Okay - my favorite NFL team, the Baltimore Ravens, have a critical game against the Dallas Cowboys which started at 10:00 a.m......and I wanted to be here for the kick off. Does that count?)
A split decision has been made in my mind that I am not going to make a bigger deal out of this than it is. I will make up the class tomorrow morning, and will get back on schedule Tuesday. If I freak out over not going, it could spiral into missing more classes, and I do not want that to happen.
Also, I can do a massive stretching session here at the house - perhaps even while watching the game. (If I am able to post a blog between plays, I think I can stretch.)
One of the reasons going back to dance has been the joy that comes with keeping a promise to myself, that really only has to do with me. As any parent or spouse (or anyone who is a family member of any kind to anyone, frankly) can tell you, oftentimes we become so committed to keeping the promises we make to others that we can lose sight of ourselves. Isn't it ironic that we even become almost obsessed with helping others keep the promises they made to themselves....nearly like a coach on the sidelines watching others execute plays in life that we are not doing ourselves.
Anyway, I have made the most of this morning off. I enjoyed coffee in bed, watched CBS Sunday Morning, and the pregame shows. Hired some people to work on my Farmtown farm (which I am happy to say is often neglected - lol). Caught up with friends back East in the virtual pseudo-intimacy created on social networking sites with pictures of Junior's lollipop farm in the backyard and Jane's angst with her roommate situation. A like here, a witty retort there, a sarcastic sting here.
I pormise to push myself all the harder tomorrow morning, and let you all know what unfolds. 'Cuz I know I will never get to this -
 |
| I feel like I should go buy a bottle of 'Lazy Ballerina' wine today and drink it before my stretching exercises. |
A split decision has been made in my mind that I am not going to make a bigger deal out of this than it is. I will make up the class tomorrow morning, and will get back on schedule Tuesday. If I freak out over not going, it could spiral into missing more classes, and I do not want that to happen.
Also, I can do a massive stretching session here at the house - perhaps even while watching the game. (If I am able to post a blog between plays, I think I can stretch.)
One of the reasons going back to dance has been the joy that comes with keeping a promise to myself, that really only has to do with me. As any parent or spouse (or anyone who is a family member of any kind to anyone, frankly) can tell you, oftentimes we become so committed to keeping the promises we make to others that we can lose sight of ourselves. Isn't it ironic that we even become almost obsessed with helping others keep the promises they made to themselves....nearly like a coach on the sidelines watching others execute plays in life that we are not doing ourselves.
 |
| My friend Deborah's adorable son made a "lollipop farm"! |
Anyway, I have made the most of this morning off. I enjoyed coffee in bed, watched CBS Sunday Morning, and the pregame shows. Hired some people to work on my Farmtown farm (which I am happy to say is often neglected - lol). Caught up with friends back East in the virtual pseudo-intimacy created on social networking sites with pictures of Junior's lollipop farm in the backyard and Jane's angst with her roommate situation. A like here, a witty retort there, a sarcastic sting here.
I pormise to push myself all the harder tomorrow morning, and let you all know what unfolds. 'Cuz I know I will never get to this -
If I do not go to class.
(Okay - when you are done laughing hysterically - yes, I realize I may never get there. The chances are ZERO if I don't go to class though. You are welcome for the hearty laughter!)
Thursday, October 11, 2012
My face almost touched my knee!
We have a breakthrough!
After struggling to get my left hip to turn out as much as the right (it has made for an interesting fifth position), it finally worked better today. And my face was closer to my leg than it has been in many a moon. The best news of the day is that at the end of class, the teacher said, "Hey Brid-get, much better today....it is coming back.....good job."
That made me feel pretty good.
Maybe I did a better job today because we had a visiting spectator. The studio is on 4th St in downtown Santa Monica on a lovely studio with floor to ceiling glass windows lining the street. I am not sure if any of your readers are aware of this or not, but we also have a fair amount of homeless people in Santa Monica. This morning, a gentlemen decided to walk up the window front of the studio, press his face against it (which frankly was not necessary as the windows are not tinted) and stare at us. And stared some more. Then he moved a few steps down the line, pressed his face against the window again, and stared at us. He was watching our barre moves closer than Nigel Lythgoe watching contestants on "So You Think You Can Dance". At first I was a little bit unnerved. I looked around and no one else noticed nor cared, which led me to believe it is not the first time this has happened. Anyway, I decided to do my best and push harder since we had an audience.
One of the reasons I stopped dancing (trust me - not the main reason or the only reason) was a car accident that I had in high school that injured my left hip and both legs. Boys, sports, school dances, boys, kissing boys, and music crowded ballet out. I did go back for jazz class after recuperating from the accident, but not ballet. And I think I convinced myself mentally that I couldn't do it anymore because my hip would never be the same. Then, my friend Matt ran a marathon. Now I know lots of people run marathons, but Matt was my age and had not run since high school because he fell and hurt himself at some point, and convinced himself he couldn't run. One day a few years ago, his mother said to him that the injury wasn't that bad, and how long was he going to let an imaginary hurt, and imaginary pain, keep him from living a full life? She may not have said that directly to me, however, I heard her loud and clear.
I still need to work on the left hip. And jumps. And turns. And......well.......everything. That being said, I am still happy with my progress, and how my muscles seem to be remembering things. It is still a bit of a riot. Easily the most fun (and the funniest) thing that I have done in years.
What imaginary pain do you have in your life? When will you let it go?
My vote is for today. :-)
After struggling to get my left hip to turn out as much as the right (it has made for an interesting fifth position), it finally worked better today. And my face was closer to my leg than it has been in many a moon. The best news of the day is that at the end of class, the teacher said, "Hey Brid-get, much better today....it is coming back.....good job."
That made me feel pretty good.
Maybe I did a better job today because we had a visiting spectator. The studio is on 4th St in downtown Santa Monica on a lovely studio with floor to ceiling glass windows lining the street. I am not sure if any of your readers are aware of this or not, but we also have a fair amount of homeless people in Santa Monica. This morning, a gentlemen decided to walk up the window front of the studio, press his face against it (which frankly was not necessary as the windows are not tinted) and stare at us. And stared some more. Then he moved a few steps down the line, pressed his face against the window again, and stared at us. He was watching our barre moves closer than Nigel Lythgoe watching contestants on "So You Think You Can Dance". At first I was a little bit unnerved. I looked around and no one else noticed nor cared, which led me to believe it is not the first time this has happened. Anyway, I decided to do my best and push harder since we had an audience.
One of the reasons I stopped dancing (trust me - not the main reason or the only reason) was a car accident that I had in high school that injured my left hip and both legs. Boys, sports, school dances, boys, kissing boys, and music crowded ballet out. I did go back for jazz class after recuperating from the accident, but not ballet. And I think I convinced myself mentally that I couldn't do it anymore because my hip would never be the same. Then, my friend Matt ran a marathon. Now I know lots of people run marathons, but Matt was my age and had not run since high school because he fell and hurt himself at some point, and convinced himself he couldn't run. One day a few years ago, his mother said to him that the injury wasn't that bad, and how long was he going to let an imaginary hurt, and imaginary pain, keep him from living a full life? She may not have said that directly to me, however, I heard her loud and clear.
I still need to work on the left hip. And jumps. And turns. And......well.......everything. That being said, I am still happy with my progress, and how my muscles seem to be remembering things. It is still a bit of a riot. Easily the most fun (and the funniest) thing that I have done in years.
What imaginary pain do you have in your life? When will you let it go?
My vote is for today. :-)
Monday, October 8, 2012
I wish my plie's went as low as my unbidden thoughts....
I have hit a new low. And unfortunately, it was not with a plie or a lunge to the floor. Or my comedic attempts at the splits (it seems like an awkward person that has fallen inadvertantly over a chasm.....). No, the new low was in two thoughts that popped into my head during class the other morning. I made a commitment to be honest about this process in my blog, so I am going to share this with you even though it is hard.
So, class started the other morning, and I was stretching at the bar, trying desperately to bend further down, closer to my legs, keeping my knees straight, then rolling up slowly. When I was upright again, I noticed someone coming in to class that I had not seen before, and I swear the first two thoughts in my head were the following, "Oh there is someone older and fatter than me!!" Honestly. And it was a feeling of elation. I gave her a head nod and motioned that there was space beside me on the barre. I wondered if she would be more flexible (which she was) and if she would be better at ballet in general (which OF COURSE she was!!).
I was amazed that my mind went there so quickly and so....so......subconciously! I love people of all shapes and sizes, and am not overly catty nor peculiar about makeup or appearance. I can tell you that having her beside me, doing so well, inspired me to push myself especially hard. Maybe I was punishing myself for having what I felt were "Mean Girl" thoughts.
Anyway, by the end of class, after seeing how graceful she was on the floor portion of the class, we spoke for a bit, and walked out to our cars together. She is an digital animator. We swapped business cards. I actually look forward to seeing her again in class, and not for those immediate thoughts either.
I do feel that the studio I am attending has created a wonderful atmosphere. It is called "the Dance Doctor" and is owned by acclaimed dancer and choreographer John Cassese. http://www.dancedoctor.com/ I have felt welcomed and supported from day 1. Clearly, this dancer has felt the same way. It is a wonderful atmosphere. Our teacher, Eduard, instills that we are not competing with each other.
After the class, I felt bad that I had had those thoughts, unbidden, pop into my mind. I relayed the incident to my husband, and he said, "Women are weird." I looked at him and said, "Oh, and men aren't?" He quickly replied, "Well we are not looking at people who come in the door and thinking 'oh - he is older and fatter than me!' and being happy about it!" While we laughed about it, and I told him how much I actually clicked with her, it made me think a bit about men and women, and how we can get so caught up in our own thoughts and insecurities, even when we are usually strong, confident people.
It seems to me that dance is terribly thought provoking!
So, class started the other morning, and I was stretching at the bar, trying desperately to bend further down, closer to my legs, keeping my knees straight, then rolling up slowly. When I was upright again, I noticed someone coming in to class that I had not seen before, and I swear the first two thoughts in my head were the following, "Oh there is someone older and fatter than me!!" Honestly. And it was a feeling of elation. I gave her a head nod and motioned that there was space beside me on the barre. I wondered if she would be more flexible (which she was) and if she would be better at ballet in general (which OF COURSE she was!!).
I was amazed that my mind went there so quickly and so....so......subconciously! I love people of all shapes and sizes, and am not overly catty nor peculiar about makeup or appearance. I can tell you that having her beside me, doing so well, inspired me to push myself especially hard. Maybe I was punishing myself for having what I felt were "Mean Girl" thoughts.
Anyway, by the end of class, after seeing how graceful she was on the floor portion of the class, we spoke for a bit, and walked out to our cars together. She is an digital animator. We swapped business cards. I actually look forward to seeing her again in class, and not for those immediate thoughts either.
I do feel that the studio I am attending has created a wonderful atmosphere. It is called "the Dance Doctor" and is owned by acclaimed dancer and choreographer John Cassese. http://www.dancedoctor.com/ I have felt welcomed and supported from day 1. Clearly, this dancer has felt the same way. It is a wonderful atmosphere. Our teacher, Eduard, instills that we are not competing with each other.
After the class, I felt bad that I had had those thoughts, unbidden, pop into my mind. I relayed the incident to my husband, and he said, "Women are weird." I looked at him and said, "Oh, and men aren't?" He quickly replied, "Well we are not looking at people who come in the door and thinking 'oh - he is older and fatter than me!' and being happy about it!" While we laughed about it, and I told him how much I actually clicked with her, it made me think a bit about men and women, and how we can get so caught up in our own thoughts and insecurities, even when we are usually strong, confident people.
It seems to me that dance is terribly thought provoking!
Friday, October 5, 2012
Have you ever seen an English Bulldog in a tutu?
Well, during the floor portion of dance class this morning, I had a moment where and image popped unbeckoned into my mind's eye. I felt like an English Bulldog in a tutu attempting ballet, surrounded by luxurious, exuberant Afghan hounds.
This is me! I would like to point out that even though that image popped into my mind, I was still smiling! (as the dog in the photo is too.) Funny, now that I look at the picture, I was also breathing heavy, and probably slack jawed as well.
This is the rest of the class......leaping impossibly high, landing as delicately as a feather wafting down to the ground, exuberantly expressing themselves through their finely honed craft.
I kept right on going. I am not so sure why the floor part of the class has been harder for me than the barre portion so far. I suppose it is because you are more exposed and alone on the floor......the barre is a sort of security blanket that I can hold onto, that added measure of security that I am probably not going to fall. Out on the floor, it is just you, yourself, and ...well, you.
I stopped to talk to the instructor after the last class and shared with him that my mind recalls most of what he is instructing us to do when he relays the sequences to us, but that my body is not able to do it. He said to just get out there and keep trying. I was wondering if I should watch and observe the other dancers for awhile and then make my attempts at the floor. "No" was his answer. Get out there today, go for it, and do the best you can today.
So that is what this little bulldog did. As long as I could. I have to admit that halfway through the last set, my mind literally went on overload, and I bailed out. My brain shut down, and said, "Enough for today". It was the last group and the last sequence - I nearly made it.
On a practical note, the instructor suggested that I watch some refresher videos online to get my jumps and turns back in shape. I will have to see what www.youtube.com has in store to help - he says there is a lot to choose from out there.
How soon before I feel like an Afghan too?
There is no way of knowing. However, I have already noticed some serious changes in myself! Even though it has only been a few classes since my return to ballet, I noticed that I am standing taller, with my shoulders down and back, and with my neck straight and long, and my head straight on my shoulders. I have been holding myself up, as if a string is pulling the crown of my head to the sky. This is how I used to carry myself. Now, I am again.
When I sit - forget it. The schlumpy habits of someone who had let go a bit are still holding strong. But when I stand up, I feel a familiar presence of the strong girl I once was......and the seeds of the Afghan hound I will become.
(**Photography on this post is not mine - the photos are from Bing Images.)
This is me! I would like to point out that even though that image popped into my mind, I was still smiling! (as the dog in the photo is too.) Funny, now that I look at the picture, I was also breathing heavy, and probably slack jawed as well.
This is the rest of the class......leaping impossibly high, landing as delicately as a feather wafting down to the ground, exuberantly expressing themselves through their finely honed craft.
I kept right on going. I am not so sure why the floor part of the class has been harder for me than the barre portion so far. I suppose it is because you are more exposed and alone on the floor......the barre is a sort of security blanket that I can hold onto, that added measure of security that I am probably not going to fall. Out on the floor, it is just you, yourself, and ...well, you.
I stopped to talk to the instructor after the last class and shared with him that my mind recalls most of what he is instructing us to do when he relays the sequences to us, but that my body is not able to do it. He said to just get out there and keep trying. I was wondering if I should watch and observe the other dancers for awhile and then make my attempts at the floor. "No" was his answer. Get out there today, go for it, and do the best you can today.
So that is what this little bulldog did. As long as I could. I have to admit that halfway through the last set, my mind literally went on overload, and I bailed out. My brain shut down, and said, "Enough for today". It was the last group and the last sequence - I nearly made it.
On a practical note, the instructor suggested that I watch some refresher videos online to get my jumps and turns back in shape. I will have to see what www.youtube.com has in store to help - he says there is a lot to choose from out there.
How soon before I feel like an Afghan too?
There is no way of knowing. However, I have already noticed some serious changes in myself! Even though it has only been a few classes since my return to ballet, I noticed that I am standing taller, with my shoulders down and back, and with my neck straight and long, and my head straight on my shoulders. I have been holding myself up, as if a string is pulling the crown of my head to the sky. This is how I used to carry myself. Now, I am again.
When I sit - forget it. The schlumpy habits of someone who had let go a bit are still holding strong. But when I stand up, I feel a familiar presence of the strong girl I once was......and the seeds of the Afghan hound I will become.
(**Photography on this post is not mine - the photos are from Bing Images.)
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