Ebb and flow of relearning ballet....staying patient

In my quest to regain some ability in ballet, I knew that there would be challenges.  Challenges in regards to time.  Challenges in lost flexibility.  Challenges due to the extra weight I am currently carrying.  (Good news ~ 4.5 hours of intense dance class per week has already started to make the weight drop!)  Challenges of being embarrassed in front of people that may not know my life, and may think that I am really just that bad!

First position is coming along.

I told myself to be patient when I started.  Told myself that I should look for a major breakthrough by Christmas.  Told myself that I need to anticipate that I will be frustrated, that I will get annoyed with myself, that I will progress slowly.  I told myself to be patient.......guess what I am not good at??

Oh yes - you are right about the jetes en tournant and pirouettes, I am not very good at those either.  However, I was referring to the issue that I am not good at being patient!  I do see a little progress each class.  I hit a barre exercise more concisely.  I lift my leg a little higher.  My face gets ever closer to my knee.  I just had a day today where I wanted it all, and I wanted it now.

Most classes, I leave on a cloud and an endorphin high.  Today, I felt frustrated and tired due to the slowness I perceive.  My teacher said good job on the barre, and gave me some arm pointers.  So this probably is mainly my perception and not necessarily the view of others.  I know in my core I cannot afford to allow these thoughts to creep in and steal away my joy.  Who knows how many more days we have to dance on this earth?

Yesterday, a good friend passed away after a many years long struggle and fight with breast cancer.  She has two daughters the same ages as my two sons.  My two sons lost their father to cancer in December 2010.  Not to be morose, but we have to grab life while it is in front of us.....within our reach.....within our sights.

This fifth will do for now!
I need to use it to get where I want to go!

During the barre, I gave it my all.  Still fell short.  I am not quick enough, not strong enough, cannot extend my leg up to the sky.  But I gave it my all.  I pulled my knees up, pulled all my bones and body up while pushing into the ground and searching for my inner force.  It hurt my brain, frankly.  I ended up sitting out during most of the floor section of class.  I stretched on the sidelines, and watched the other dancers.  Usually I am right there in the mix of it all.  Today, my mind just went on overdrive, and I could not follow the routine, or absorb the instruction.

So does this make me conflicted?  I want to go for it.....and I was on the sidelines for part of the class.  Argh.