I have hit a new low. And unfortunately, it was not with a plie or a lunge to the floor. Or my comedic attempts at the splits (it seems like an awkward person that has fallen inadvertantly over a chasm.....). No, the new low was in two thoughts that popped into my head during class the other morning. I made a commitment to be honest about this process in my blog, so I am going to share this with you even though it is hard.
So, class started the other morning, and I was stretching at the bar, trying desperately to bend further down, closer to my legs, keeping my knees straight, then rolling up slowly. When I was upright again, I noticed someone coming in to class that I had not seen before, and I swear the first two thoughts in my head were the following, "Oh there is someone older and fatter than me!!" Honestly. And it was a feeling of elation. I gave her a head nod and motioned that there was space beside me on the barre. I wondered if she would be more flexible (which she was) and if she would be better at ballet in general (which OF COURSE she was!!).
I was amazed that my mind went there so quickly and so....so......subconciously! I love people of all shapes and sizes, and am not overly catty nor peculiar about makeup or appearance. I can tell you that having her beside me, doing so well, inspired me to push myself especially hard. Maybe I was punishing myself for having what I felt were "Mean Girl" thoughts.
Anyway, by the end of class, after seeing how graceful she was on the floor portion of the class, we spoke for a bit, and walked out to our cars together. She is an digital animator. We swapped business cards. I actually look forward to seeing her again in class, and not for those immediate thoughts either.
I do feel that the studio I am attending has created a wonderful atmosphere. It is called "the Dance Doctor" and is owned by acclaimed dancer and choreographer John Cassese. http://www.dancedoctor.com/ I have felt welcomed and supported from day 1. Clearly, this dancer has felt the same way. It is a wonderful atmosphere. Our teacher, Eduard, instills that we are not competing with each other.
After the class, I felt bad that I had had those thoughts, unbidden, pop into my mind. I relayed the incident to my husband, and he said, "Women are weird." I looked at him and said, "Oh, and men aren't?" He quickly replied, "Well we are not looking at people who come in the door and thinking 'oh - he is older and fatter than me!' and being happy about it!" While we laughed about it, and I told him how much I actually clicked with her, it made me think a bit about men and women, and how we can get so caught up in our own thoughts and insecurities, even when we are usually strong, confident people.
It seems to me that dance is terribly thought provoking!
This is so true - I wonder if the fact that males don't automatically do this and females do has more to do with biology or social conditioning? It's definitely something I struggle with - and like you observed, it's not really reflective of my 'best self.' Seems like you're learning a lot more than just ballet at these classes - keep it up, grasshopper!
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